


Open Up Your Murder Eyes

by Kurapiika



Category: Hunter X Hunter, hxh
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, mentions of slight depersonalization disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:32:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurapiika/pseuds/Kurapiika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurapika comes face to face with the reality of being selfish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Up Your Murder Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to my tumblr but I'd like to help with the goal to make Leopika the 2nd hxh ship with the most fics on here!

Even with the invitation in your hands and the sad voices over the phone you finally picked up, you couldn’t fully grasp the situation presented to you. You’re not sure why you even decided to pick up the phone. Maybe it was desperation or loneliness. You expected the caller to be Leorio but it came as a pleasant surprise to hear Gon instead of the doctor. You noticed something wrong immediately. 

Gon’s usual energetic tone had been replaced with one that sounded almost drained of all energy and life. It strangely reminded you of yourself. Gon’s voice made your heart ache with the only thing it could muster up; sympathy. As Gon informed you that Aunt Mito had passed away and that the funeral would be held as of next week, anxiety crept onto you like it had all those years ago. He’d most likely be inviting everyone.

You knew you had to go and that there was no way out. You’d have to face the people you’d been avoiding for years. The people you pushed away and forced yourself to forget about. Only forgetting them never seemed to work. Assuring Gon that you’d be present the day the funeral took place, you worked out the details of the trip. You figured you could just book a room in a hotel. Did Whale Island even have hotels? Your question was answered soon after by Gon telling you that Killua, Leorio, he, and yourself would be staying in his home. A bit hesitant to agree, you did so anyway and the conversation was over.

It was never something you’d get used to. Seeing a dead body. There was a difference however, seeing as this body was nicely laid out within a casket unlike the bodies of your clan that had blood as red as their eyes surrounding them, as they lie sightless upon the ground.

You had arrived to the wake early in hopes of avoiding contact. Your hopes were soon crushed as many others began making their way into the small room. The thought of having to see the people you had been avoiding for years, the ones who cared for you through everything you did, the ones who you abandoned, made you sick. Your breathing had become erratic and your sweaty palms moved against one another in hopes of it becoming a distraction. Your body was trembling slightly and you didn’t know where to keep your eyes focused on, so you settled for the floor. At least this could help hide the scarlet shade forming around the outer rim of your eyes.

You shuffled forwards towards the body and realized that you weren’t quite sure what to say. You hadn’t even met this woman but from seeing how well Gon is, you could tell she was a great mother figure. After giving your condolences to Gon and hugging him briefly, you made your way to the open casket and kneeled down.

“I’ve never been good at this you know. After doing it so many times you’d think id be used to it. If its one thing I can’t get over though, it’s seeing a dead body. It comes to me as a shock each time. Anyway, this isn’t about me. I only wish I could have done what you would have wanted. I couldn’t look after Gon. I went my own way selfishly and left Gon in Killua’s hands. I trust Killua though. I’m just saying that I don’t think you’d have liked me very much.”

You pause to let out a dry chuckle.

“God, Gon is such a bright kid. I’ve never met someone like him and I only wish that I could have met the woman who raised him to be this way. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your son when I could have been. I do trust that you’ll be looking over him even from where you are now.”

The words sounded awkward in your mind as you thought them out. You stood up and made your way back to sit down. Much to your displeasure, as you were going about talking to yet another dead body, more people had swarmed into the room. You spotted what you thought to be black spikes and small circular glasses and made a mad dash for the opposite door. Or at least tried to. You ran into Killua and knew you weren’t leaving this room. So you settled for sitting in one of the many chairs set out in hopes of blending in.

You began to think back to the night you first killed someone. It was a disgusting feeling that made your stomach lurch just thinking of it. You didn’t know why these thoughts made their way into your mind but you figured it heavily had to do with the atmosphere.

You were brought out of your thoughts as a hand pressed down onto your shoulder with what felt to be uncertainty. You tensed up and immediately put your guard up.

”…Kurapika?”

You slowly turned your head in the direction of the voice and your heart stopped. Leorio. You gave the doctor an empty stare and turned back to looking down at the floor. Your hands had stopped fidgeting at this point and you had calmed down considerably quick. Although Leorio on the other hand seemed to do the exact opposite. Being the usual hothead he is, he grabbed your shoulder and turned you to face him.

“Kurapika what the fuck. Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why didn’t you answer your goddamn phone? You know Gon was close to dying. He needed you. We all did. What were you thinking?”

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose. You two were already getting looks from others, no thanks to Leorio’s big mouth.

“Leorio, we are at a wake. Please wait until afterwards to patronize me.” You hissed.

“Oh so you actually remember my name? I was sure I had been deleted from your phone a while back.”

He paused.

“And don’t you DARE tell me to wait. Dammit Kurapika I’ve been waiting years to hear this great reason as to why you don’t talk to us anymore. Do you really hate us? I need to know. What were you thinking, Kurapika? What were you thinking?”

He really was an idiot wasn’t he. Couldn’t he see that this was not the place to be having this discussion? Nothing is going to stop him and you’d like to abstain from disturbing the peace any longer so you give in and settle on going outside.

“Lets go outside.”

“Fine.”

His last word to you sounded so cold that you began to grasp just how much Leorio had changed.

Once you made a large enough space between the both of you and the building, you turned to face the other.

“So tell me, just what exactly were you thinking.”

He got straight to the point and tapped his foot, waiting for an answer.

“I wasn’t.”

This conversation was bound to happen sooner or later and it couldn’t haven been avoided. You knew this, but it still bothered you that it even needed to happen.

“You weren’t what?”

“I wasn’t thinking, Leorio. Alright? I just wasn’t. My mind remained in the past and soon the present, the future, my friends, anything important to me, anything and everything, faded away.”

“Obviously it hasn’t faded enough since you’re here. You answered the phone for Gon, but not me. So is it just me that you hate?”

“Leorio you don’t understand. As much as I explain it, you just wont understand.”

He furs his brows and sighs heavily.

“No, I don’t understand. I may not be on the same intellectual level as you, Kurapika, but you’re not even giving me a chance. Stop shutting me out, goddammit!”

You glance down at your feet placed in the grass beneath you and notice the slight tremble in your legs. Biting your lip, you look up at him and see a variation of emotions displayed across his face. Hesitation, anger, sadness, remorse, anxiety. You have to tell someone about this eventually. You might as well tell Leorio. 

Though, its something you particularly dread doing. Why leave this burden on your friend, if he could even consider you that, and then leave once again? It would just make things harder. You finally come to the realization that he cares and this is what people who care do. They take on part of the burden.

You’re hit with a wave of nostalgia as you remember your mother soothing you while you discussed your troubles with her. You suppose this could be just like it used to be. Taking in a deep breath, you finally begin to speak.

“I’ll tell you from the beginning.”

He nods his head to both tell you to go on and to show his impatience with you. It would have bothered you in other circumstances, but he has every right to have lost his patience with you.

“My way of thinking began to drastically change after what had happened in York Shin City. I suppose you could say that I lost myself. It’s not that I don’t care for all of you. I truly do, and before you interrupt, let me continue. The business I do is extremely dangerous, not only for myself but for you as well. I’ve made a lot of enemies and I’ll definitely make more along the way. If you truly despised someone and wanted revenge on them, what would you go after that would hurt them the most? Their family, their friends, anyone important to them. Unfortunately, my family is out of the question. Who do you suppose they’d try to harm? You. And listen, I understand you can fend for yourself but even if someone did as little as scratch your face, it’d still be a burden on both yourself and I. I think if one of them tried to harm you, I’d have to kill them and I really dislike the feeling of death upon my own hands. The god complex isn’t for me.”

You don’t flinch when you see his blank, unimpressed face. It’s only what you expected.

“Getting back on track, I don’t really know how to explain it because I don’t fully understand this myself but… I think my body and my mind are separate. I can’t feel things as I used to. I feel as though I watch everything pass by in my life on a little chair that’s been placed in my head. The days go by so fast, Leorio. I can’t even differentiate what I’ve done yesterday and the day before. As much as I want to stay in a moment, it passes quickly and soon it’s a day later and I’m struggling to figure out how time jumped. I don’t understand it and it’s infuriating. I want to be normal again…”

You take a moment to try to slow your erratic breathing that has returned.

“I’m not trying to gain your sympathy though. I’m just explaining the situation the best I can. I’m sorry that I haven’t answered the phone, I truly am.”

You watch Leorio’s face drop very quickly.

“Is this all you think matters? You think I want an apology just because you didn’t answer your phone? You’re unbelievable, Kurapika. This isn’t about the fucking phone calls, it’s about everything! It’s about the ignoring, your thoughts towards me, it’s about… It’s about you destroying yourself.”

He shakes his head and looks at your face with disappointment that makes your heart stop.

“I’m not destroying myself! Why can’t you understand that I have to do this? I knew you wouldn’t understand. You don’t have the weight of a dead body on your shoulders dragging you do-“

Something unexpectedly makes contact with your jaw and causes you to take a few steps back. Leorio draws back his fist and you’re too stunned to look him in the eyes. You do however notice just how much strength he’s gained over the years. When he begins to speak, he sounds furious.

“Don’t you ever say that I don’t know the feeling of having a dead body haunting me. Have you forgotten that I’ve had loss as well? Everyone has loss, you’re not special.”

Regaining your composure, you notice the huge mistake in what you just said and regret it immediately.

“I’m sorry, I forgot. I don’t think I’m special. I just don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m still doing this. I only have a few more eyes to find and then I’ll stop, I promise. I’ll return calls, just please, let me finish.”

“What if you died next week? Would we ever know?”

“Leorio stop. I know it’s a difficult situation but you’re not my mother. You don’t need to baby me. I can defend myself, alright?”

It seems that everything you say is just making him angrier and the situation brings back memories of the Hunter Exam. Back to when the situation had been the latter, when it seemed that everything Leorio did aggravated you.

“How is not wanting you to die babying you? I’ll stop, Kurapika. Is this what you want? For no one to care about you? I’ll just stop, we’ll go our separate ways, that’s it.”

The thought of actually loosing Leorio made you see just how selfish you were being. You wanted him to be around and to keep trying, but you never put in the effort to reciprocate. You wanted him to be there when you needed him but you didn’t want to be there when he needed you. You passed this off as being selfless for the longest time because you were blinded by the idea of keeping him safe but in reality, you were the selfish one. All of this comes crashing down upon you and soon you can’t breathe anymore. Your eyes sting and you don’t recognize the feeling. It seems like it’s been forever since the last time you cried.

Tears well up and threaten to fall. When you glance up towards Leorio and look into his eyes, seeing the coward you both seem to hate within the reflection, you feel everything he has been through and it pushes you over the edge. You quickly wipe your eyes in hopes that he wont see how weak you truly are. To your surprise, after some hesitation, he places a hand on your shoulder and pulls you towards himself. Wrapping his arms around you, your own arms are trapped by your sides in between the both of you.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so selfish, I thought I was protecting you but I was only making things harder. You should have left me a long time ago, maybe then I wouldn’t have cared but I don’t want you to. I’m sorry I’m so selfish for wanting you to stay, please don’t leave me…”

He sighs and you hide your face in his shoulder to avoid eye contact.

“I’m not leaving. I’ve stayed long enough, why give up now? Just when you start to see what an asshole you are.”

He laughs, letting you know it was only a joke, but his statement only causes you to cry harder.

“Come on, stop crying alright? It’s okay. Just take care of yourself and realize that we’re all here for you. No matter what.”

You both stand there in an embrace for what feels like forever and you’re really glad that time has finally slowed down for you.  
Once you calm down, you squirm out of Leorio’s grasp and ask him what has been on your mind since the conversation had started.

“Why did you still care for as long as you had?”

“Because I love you, and I just wish we could both have that in common.”

Giving him a soft smile, you ask for him to give you a little time to truly think things over.

You both begin to laugh at the irony of the request.


End file.
